| shoot me in the head please? |
[09 Dec 2009|04:09pm] |
I hate how girls decide to only be your friend when they are single.
or they hit you up to spill their shit on you and get advise from you, then when things work out with their boyfriend or girlfriend they totally forget about you.
where are my friends when I need them?
i may not have boyfriend problems, but i have other problems as well.
realizing that you cant depend on certain close friends is such a sick feeling.
it just reminds me about how we come into this world alone and we leave this world alone.
life has been tripin me out as always.
what should i be focused on? i'm scared that my profession that i'm going into isn't going to get me any money in the future if the economy is still slipping.
and how the fuck do you tell someone that you like a lot that you know that they don't like you, and you cant keep hooking up with them because its fucking up your emotions? i know its as easy as that to say to him, but i'm so scared as to what he's going to say... i don't wanna lose him as a friend, and i DONT wanna see him up on some random bitch.
ughhhh i just want to feel completely loved by someone, im sick of everyone being fake.
im sick of everyones BS drama, life is too fucking short for dumb drama.
WHO cares about what he said she said that he said that i said.
if anyone knows me they should know that, i would never intentionally do anything to hurt my loved ones.
yet again, i cant wait to be at peace from this world!
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[13 Nov 2009|07:40pm] |
i really wish i was one of those people that just dont do anything and they are fine with it.
they dont need friends or to go have fun.
they just sit at home and is happy.
cuz im sick of caring about my friends when they dont even care about me.
uugghhhhh ive been home all fucking day and i cant leave cuz i dont have a car. im going crazy, times like this makes me feel hopeless and i fucking hate thinking about things that i dont want to.
ohh lonely days never cease to leave me alone.
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[11 Nov 2009|01:51pm] |
this seriously needs to go away...
i'm not sure why i always feel like im going to die.
it feels like its getting closer.
i dont know if its my mind playing tricks on me or what.
my body never feels okay. theres always pain somewhere.
is that normal?
every fucking day it comes across my mind, when will i die.
for some huge reason i feel like its soon.
i feel like im already dieing.
sometimes ill be hanging out with friends and i just want to say i know im going to die very soon. but i dont wanna sound crazy... this has been haunting me since i was in 2nd grade when i almost died. every since then ive had a tormenting fear of death.
i could go on and on about how this all plays perfect in my life, death that is.
we all are going to die but i just feel soo heavy that im going to die soon.
but what if im not tripping out?
then im wasting my time waiting to fall in love, waiting for happiness for no fucking reason. im more afraid im going to die with out living the life i wanted to then actually death itself.
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[02 Nov 2009|09:06pm] |
halloween was fun as fuck.
i didnt get to see everyone that i wnated to but whatever i still had a blast.
im really happy with the friends i have in my life right now.
we all get along really good. i just hope that everyone stays this close.
i feel like were a happy family ha, and we all need each other.
still confused on a bunch of stuff.
im excited to see how some stuff works out.
i just want to get hired already though its annoying...
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[12 Oct 2009|03:20pm] |
why the hell did i ever stop listening to metal??
maybe cuz it makes me wanna get fucked up and dance or do coke or something like the old days.
anyways.
halloween is going to be SICK.
court in three days isnt.
im fucking scared...
and you make me want you soo bad.
fucking guys messin with my head.
dont know what to think anymore..
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| its past 10 and im still hungover |
[07 Oct 2009|12:14am] |
and im confused.
normally the guy hits on me for a couple days and i get to know them and then decide wheather or not i want to date them. and its always a no.... but you are soo different. you flirt with me but not over the top. you make me want you soo bad. i dont know if you even want me though. all these mixed signals are making me think far too much and want you even more.
besides the fact that i like everything about you, i'm scared to tell you that...
what should i do ladies?
sometimes i think i should just wait it out, but other times i think i should tell him whatsup...
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[23 Sep 2009|03:35pm] |
im super confused..
and sad..
it was getting good, and then i got brought back down.
i just want to fucking STAY happy, or at least a little bit happy.
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[21 Sep 2009|03:30pm] |
im soooooooooooooo confused right now.
people are sooooo confusing.
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[18 Sep 2009|02:03pm] |
i know your reading this.
all your lies has done nothing but made me a stronger person.
you gotta grow up hunny, this world is real.
you dont want to end up having nothing do you?
well then its time you get help.
ill be praying for you to find yourself.
until then i hope you have a nice life.
<3
p.s. i love all of my friends they are soo caring through all of this!
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[13 Sep 2009|02:43am] |
So i was doing just fine until i got tagged in a picture with nick bendle on facebook...
I totally blocked out that summer, God changed our lives that summer and look at us now...
obviously i didnt kill someone but i feel like death. it's crazy how fast this world will convince you that its nothing and that your nothing.
ughhh everything can change in one second.
im tyring the hardest i can to make myself be the person whom i know i can be.
i just wish that some of my friends would look into the mirror as well.
if it comes down to it i wont talk to anyone. maybe one or two people outside of my family. i just hate the fact that im not going to have very many friends when i get sober. it kinda grosses me out.
is grosses a word?
idk i just want people to be REAL, life is too short for all this fake bullshit.
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[04 Sep 2009|02:45pm] |
So, im writing a book its going be called LOVE and uts going to take me years and years to finish.
i was going to write a chapter about each of my friends and why i love then and the memories we had, but sadly there wasnt enough memories to jot down. i became aware of how much i have been hurt by them, that would fill the chapters but its not what i was going for. so i am going to be writing each chapter of friends in my life that i love in order from when i knew how to love someone and so on until the end of the chapter, i hope the last chapter is how amazing my life has changed since 04 its probably going to be in 2015 by then. i decided to write this book when i went through my old thoughts and poems i would write when i would get grounded every other week lol. i was soo deppressed and smart, i knew too much at a young age. i know i cant love everyone the way i want to because i dont have the money right now or ever to support them, and because i dont think it would be possible to be there for everyone i love, thats a shit load of people and im soo sure that a lot of those people dont even care about me. i just see a lot in people, it kills me to see them drift away. i want to stay close with everyone in my life til the day i die, i just wish more people would agree.
Also, i'm just still wishing for a day to go by where i dont feel any pain what so ever....
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[27 Aug 2009|02:51pm] |
This is going to sound really weird but.. i just wish i didnt love people sooo much. I'm sick and tired of trying to love and care for people when they dont give a shit about me anymore. You say you love me you say you care about me, so fuck dude why dont you call me back? Why do you keep ditching me over and over? When i see you why are you so rude and short with me?
I just dont understand what goes through people heads.
Maybe im just a really nice person and no one gets it?
Fuck, im just sick of getting let down by my friends that "care" about me. The ONLY time i ever got help when i needed it is when my sister reached out to me and told me i need to stop. I'm getting out of control and no one had the balls to try to help me, or at least talk to me about it. Wait nevermind jenna has been sooo amazing through all of this. She's my angel with out wings.
IF im going to get sober... I WILL kill myself without having friends that love me and care about me for ME and not for what i have to offer in their selfish minds. I WILL lose control, if i dont have my old friends by myside.... i care about EVERYONE of my friends more then they will ever care about me it seems like... i just see the REAL person behind the heroine, behind the boose, and mental disorders, i see through everyone and the good in them..
id just be horrified to not be there for them...
what if they die?
i know i cant be the one responsible i just want to help everyone.
but i dread helping myself...
i need serious help, i want to like myself.
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[14 Aug 2009|02:36pm] |
this whole thing that happened is sitll bothering me.
just the fact that i knew nick my intire life and he goes and commits a murder like this is tearing me up...
i kinda wish i didnt know him and his family so that i wont think about it all the time.
i know what has happened has happened and i shouldnt be letting it effect me.
im just tripping out on how poeple change and i dont like it.
blahhh and on top of all of that ive been stressing on colleges and how im going to transfer to save money but in the end im going to be owing more money to the government. even if i got a job and started to save it wouldnt be enough. i almost got a job three times this month and its just really hard for me to find motivation to even search for one so more regets just makes me cringe.
hah and i can easily sell drugs and get money but i dont want to fuck things up anymore.
ALSO i never really understood why guys are such dicks until i experienced it for myself, they just want what they want and nothing more. never in my life have i felt soo used. EW.
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[29 Jul 2009|04:15pm] |
sooo many thoughts are going through my head lately...
i just want to curl up into a ball and peace out.
everyone is dieing.
patricia's cousin erick, seans grandpa, pretty much everyones grandparents i could name a bunch.
its funny how on earth everyone is obssessed with materials, clothes, shoes, makeup, cars, everything. and people lable YOU because of the outfit your wearing, where you shop, or what car you drive. but when you die you will have nothing, but the destiny of your enternity.
its sad though, how all everyone cares about in their selfish minds is their materials. they care more about their "stuff" then they care about you. your real, your "stuff isnt". it hurts me soo much that most of everyone i know including myself dont realize that our friends and family should matter the most.
you should hold onto them like you hold onto your favorite dress or fav pair of shoes. when you die your never going to have those shoes. and you might not see your loved ones ever again, so why not help them into seeing what life after death is really like.
we should hold onto eachother like they are our favorite "thing" instead of getting mad at each other because they ruined your dress, or they wanted to use your hair straightener.
im working on to better myself in that way, but its soo hard when everyone around me is constantly stuck in their selfish minds...
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[22 Jul 2009|04:28pm] |
sooo many thoughts are going through my head lately...
i just want to curl up into a ball and peace out.
everyone is dieing.
patricia's cousin erick, seans grandpa, pretty much everyones grandparents i could name a bunch.
its funny how on earth everyone is obssessed with materials, clothes, shoes, makeup, cars, everything. and people lable YOU because of the outfit your wearing, where you shop, or what car you drive. but when you die you will have nothing, but the destiny of your enternity.
its sad though, how all everyone cares about in their selfish minds is their materials. they care more about their "stuff" then they care about you. your real, your "stuff isnt". it hurts me soo much that most of everyone i know including myself dont realize that our friends and family should matter the most.
you should hold onto them like you hold onto your favorite dress or fav pair of shoes. when you die your never going to have those shoes. and you might not see your loved ones ever again, so why not help them into seeing what life after death is really like.
we should hold onto eachother like they are our favorite "thing" instead of getting mad at each other because they ruined your dress, or they wanted to use your hair straightener.
im working on to better myself in that way, but its soo hard when everyone around me is constantly stuck in their selfish minds...
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[07 Jul 2009|09:40pm] |
So our first kiss was lastnight <3
I'm soo proud of myself for letting go and going with what i feel is right, this time i know its right. I just text him saying how i'm bored and want to kiss him. he wrote back a while later because he fell asleep, apperently he had a dream that we kissed right around the time i text him. He's so good to me to <3
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[04 Jul 2009|03:40pm] |
this is soo crazy, ive known him for like two days and i'm soo happy. seriously, everything about him i love, i barely even know him. but i just know that he's amazing...
and when i think about him i get so happy i cry. ahha thats never happened to me before... sounds stupid but it makes everything in my life okay. and the funny part is is that he's 2 years younger then me, i cant even wait to see the person he will grow into. he doesnt drink, he has a relationship with god, we've grown up with older influences that are all friends, were both always the young one in the group. i could go on and on and ive known him for a couple days. we cant stop texting eachother...
wtf, i hope my anxiety doesnt fuck this up. i kinda already know it wont : ]
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[28 Jun 2009|04:35pm] |
ahhhhhhh why is it sooo hard to not care about my old friends.
yah they fucked me over bad... and i think the part that gets to me the most is that they dont even care. all the stuff ive done for them, all the good times and memories.
and they could care less about me.
wtf dude i would LOVE to just say fuck it, fuck you and have a good life.
but its soo not that easy.
fucking fuck.
its even worse when you introduce them to ALL your friends.
so you cant go anywhere cuz their already with your friends.
and you know what hurts more? when your close friends lie to you and ditch you to hangout with your old friends that dont like you anymore.
why do i care soo much?
why cant i just fucking go one day without thinking about how sad it is.
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[17 Jun 2009|04:23pm] |
my brooklyn left for a month and a half, im gonna miss her.
in the mean time im gonna try to listen to my therapist and my parents and try to drop the people that dont care about me and make new friends that do.
its going to be really hard.
but whatever.
my medical conditions are getting worse.
which makes it incredibly more hard for me to move on with my life.
i just want to do the things that i want to do, with nothing holding me back. i know i will soon get past it, and move on. i fucking hope thats really soon!
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